Imperfect. Still Me. Trying.
I struggle with my own body image most of the time, even at this age. The funny moments with my glorious underarm sweat on one side, while the other stays dry from the antiperspirant. The time I put on tons of weight. The time I lose it fast within a month. I am not perfect, like my body, and I am not pretending that I am. I look at others too, and see where I am lacking. I realised I look very different most of the time too. Sometimes, I am heavy. Sometimes, I lose weight. Some days I look better. The rest of the day, the "resting bitch face" — which I hope I do not get misunderstood for.
When I was back in school, I used to have a blog. No one read it, but it was good for me. It got deleted. It was only filled with words. I was always the quiet kid since I was young. I could not hug someone without feeling uneasy. My late grandmother changed that for me. She was always filled with love. I relocated a few times and I am not very good at connecting with others. I only have a few friends, or less. Sometimes, strange as it may sound, a warm bowl of Campbell's soup feels close to love to me too.
When I was a teen, I mentored younger students, but I was the one that needed help instead. I had self-injury issues in places that no one really knew, covered. I also used to overspend on my late dad's credit card when I was staying abroad as a teen. He was furious and took it back. I do not blame him. I was not always the best kid. I did holiday jobs in between, and then I started to have depression. It was bad then. Sometimes, I mentor partly because I wish to tell myself, my younger self, and the teens: they are imperfect and still deeply loved.
In 2015, out of curiosity, I downloaded an app I was not proud of. Nothing much happened, but that stayed with me. I was not in my best state, and besides, I owe someone I met on Tinder an apology. We met once. It did not work out. It was all my fault. I said things that were not right — taboo topics — but he remained kind. I am not sure how to apologise and we no longer communicate. I think he would not get it. There is nothing wrong with him at all. It is just that I was not at my best stage. I very much wish to have the chance to say hi again.
I am not the best example. In the past, I chatted on apps but did not meet up. Sometimes, we find out a number of things and it can be interesting. I no longer do that. I have been very self-conscious about my looks since I was a teen. I used to wear very heavy make-up, not because I thought I was pretty, but because I was insecure. The world rewards that, and natural beauty is hard to come by. I felt it then. I feel it now. Or better still, I hope I am an AI. I feel this even more when it comes to "editing a natural beauty on Photoshop" for someone in the past. It was stressful. However, I did the same when I asked ChatGPT. These days, I feel very much like "an auntie" and just look very casual — maybe someone you walk past and do not notice. I tried to take photos of myself too in the past when I was younger — not because I think I am pretty, but because I was not sure which angle looked best, or purely out of vanity. Sometimes, I have the resting bitch face and that is not good. I come across as totally unapproachable or worse, stuck up, and that gets me misunderstood easily. I do not have the "soft" features or feeling like some people do if I am my usual self — and that is something I try very hard to change. My self-image is ridiculously low sometimes. I notice my eyes and my eyebrows are not the same on both sides. Should I buy a glue or a marker to stick them or draw them properly? I am not sure. I do not know. I just let it be these days. I probably do not even have photos of myself on my phone.
I hope with the K-pop wave, kids do not get too impressionable about how we are supposed to look. I used to know of a magazine that had no Photoshop models. I think that is normal, but not popular. I do not like how I look at times. I hope they know we are imperfect, but it is okay. Sometimes I feel both male and female too. When I say that, it means: sometimes I feel protective, and sometimes I can be fragile. I also think we are self-partnered and not halved. It is only when you are in a good emotional state that your partner will not suffer.
Besides that, I had a porn addiction since I was in school, at around 19 years old. I stopped only in my 30s. It is not a crime, but it turns people into things. I do not think it is good. A few years back, I still looked at porn. Then it was unlike what I had seen on the usual porn. I no longer do that now. There were issues like deepfakes, and even some celebrities when they were younger. It troubles me a lot and that scares me. However, I am not sure what happened — it seems like others were trying to help. I was also not quite in my best stage too.
Initially, I was thinking to do graphic design after the selling of items got stuck, but I remained stuck. That year, I had a very bad stomach issue too, and I honestly thought something bad was going to happen. I taught my mum how to use the computer to order food and we got the iPad for her. I honestly thought if something bad were to happen, at least she would have something to hold on to. That year, I did not do anything much but dumb scrolling became a norm at times — a habit which is not good.
At times, I can be a "strawberry." Sometimes I try hard. Sometimes it does not work. Sometimes I get some not very kind remarks. Some are kind. Some are not really. Well, so I will try to improve. I guess all of us do. I hope it does not reflect badly on me and the people around me. I put on a lot of weight recently and it is not very good. I need to take care of my health. I have a tendency to binge when I am stressed. Well, I hope by accepting our shadows — by not hiding our imperfections — the glorious underarm sweat on one side, the bad hair day, the past porn addiction, the past self-injury issues and more — we know we are imperfect, still us, human, and still trying.