Of words buried.
When I was back in school, I used to have a blog. No one reads it but it was good for me. It was deleted.
I am always the quiet kid since I was young and I could not hug someone without feeling uneasy. My late grandmother changed that for me. She was always filled with love. I relocated a few times and I am not very good with connecting with others. I only have a few friends or less. Sometimes strange it may sound, a warm bowl of campbell soup feels like close to love to me too.
When I was in school, I started to mentor some kids and in a way I am running away from my issues and I am the one that need help. I had some self injuriy issues in places that cannot be seen. I am not proud of that. I won awards for the school yet I was in the counselling often and I am still grateful for that.
I overspent on my late dad's credit card as I was staying aboard. He was furious and took it back. I do not blame him. I was not always the best kid. I did holiday jobs in between. I started to have depression and it was bad then.
In 2015, out of curiousity I downloaded an app I was not proud of. Nothing much happened but that stayed with me.
In 2019, I was not in my best state and I owe someone I met on tinder an apology. We met once. It did not work out. It was all my fault. I said things that is not right on taboo topics but he remained kind. I am not sure how to apologise and we no longer communicate. I think he would not get it.
Sometimes I chat on apps but did not meet up. Sometimes, we find out a numbers of things and it can be interesting. I no longer do that. I am very self conscious about my looks since I was a teen. I used to have very heavy make up on me not because I think I am pretty but because I am insecure. The world rewards that and natural beauty is hard to come by. I feel it then. I feel it now or better still, I hope I am an Ai. I do not like how I look at times.
Sometimes I feel both male and female too. Well when I say that it means: sometimes I feel protective and sometimes I can be fragile too. I also think we are self partnered and not halved. It is only when you are in a good emotional state, your partner will not suffer.
I had a porn addiction since I was in school when I was around 19 years old and I stopped only in my 30s. It is not a crime but it turns people into things. I do not think it is good. In 2022, my former company name was very close to an adult entertaiment site overseas. When I did the SEO, it was scary. It was unlike what I seen on the usual porn. There were issues like deep fakes and even to some celebrities when they were younger. It troubles me since I was thinking to do graphic design and all as my humble online store was not doing well.
I can be "strawberry". Sometimes I tried hard. Sometimes it does not work. Sometimes I get some not very kind remarks. Some are kind. Some are not really. Well, so I will try to improve. I guess all of us do so I hope it does not reflect well on me and the people around me.
Sometime back my former director told me that I am very quiet and my coworkers felt that too and I need to kind of force myself to communicate.
In 2024, my handphone and laptop were hacked. I had prove for that. Maybe I am inconsistent therefore there is an ethical hacker of a sort to look into things but it removed certain things from my former facebook accounts that managed my stores to the numbers on my instagram and facebook.
I put on a lot of weight recently and it is not very good. I need to take care of my health and I have the tendency to binge when I am stressed. Sometime back I had a health scare. It was okay now.
Well, I am not the most spiritual person but I think in Carl Jung (I do not know everything about him or his theory) I explored issues like accepting the shadow and I do not mind sharing certains things very frankly to my younger self or some of the youth. I hope by sharing perhaps we all heal. In Taoism, it is stated that both ugliness and beauty came from the same source. I do not agree with it completely. It is like the same source and with it there is a contrast. In Islam, it teaches us something tender, if we have a bad thought and we do not do it, God forgives. Buddhism points out the good nature of a person. Chrisitianity is a gift.
As a kid or even now, I always think Mother Mary looks like Goddness of mercy. Perhaps they are all related. I have a Buddha and Goddness of mercy on my left and a daily prayer on the right. To me, it all make sense together though it looks like a cultural mix. Perhaps human are hopeless and thus we need sort some form of help from the higher being and the concept of God/s.
In the past, it is said that you need to dig a hole in a tree and tell them everything if you feel heavy but I am not hiding. I am not hidding from the past porn addiction, the self injury issues, the "strawberry" moments or the time I feel very down.
I think it is part of being a human and it is kind of healing in a way when I write it though I feel fragile when I write all these.
Part of me would think, what would others think of me but maybe someone needs to read this.
I hope you know you are not alone and be brave enough to ask for help.